Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
