the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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