I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
