Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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