take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
