at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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