Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's rum buckets o'clock
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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