I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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