I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
