i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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