he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
