is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
