Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
