Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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