wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
