Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
