so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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