i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
