Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
