I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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