i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
