whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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