are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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