I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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