in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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