Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
barbara walters just said penis...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
