Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sober January is a disaster.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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