Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
