I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
