Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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