I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
