pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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