my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
