I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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