We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize