Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
