Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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