Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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