Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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