so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
