I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize