I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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