it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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