I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
