Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
