Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
