her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
