could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
