I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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