My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
