Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
