can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize