Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
