seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
