OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
