I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
