My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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