No more Irish car bombs ever.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
