Umm I'm too high to move.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
