i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I think my fart just growled at me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He? As in you personified your dick?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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