Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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