I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
