i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
