A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
