I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
