I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
