I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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